Recent research The Human Development Company conducted regarding Internet dating has revealed a number of interesting things. Among them is the fact that people describe themselves in very glowing terms – almost universally. We believe that people do perceive themselves correctly. They are honest, funny, adventurous, romantic, generous, loving, down-to-earth, etc., etc.

Disappointments and failures in relationships make us reevaluate our approach and needs constantly. Aristotle said, “ The problem in life is not that we aim too high and miss, but that we aim too low and hit.” The perfect person is someone who meets your criteria, your needs, as opposed to some idealized form of perfection. There are many people who fit your criteria. The question is how clear are you about your needs, and how committed you are to having them realized. One helpful exercise is to sit down and write down all your thoughts and feelings about men and relationships. (Or women and relationships). Recently I was leading a workshop for a women’s group and a very unflattering picture of men emerged from the group. Men are pigs!, was at the top of the list. The rest of the list wasn’t much better. These were all professional women, in their 30’s, with prior marriages, who were very social and were out there trying to meet men. When I asked them to write a list of characteristics of their perfect man, they had a difficult time – and many basic elements were left off the list completely. Imagine building a house, a much less important enterprise in terms of our happiness and fulfillment then finding the right mate, the same way.

Oops we forgot windows and bathrooms and few other basic things. We assumed all houses come with these. Well, the house certainly would be unlivable – as are so many relationships. For instance, we assume that when we go out to meet a person or the right person that we will find somebody physically and emotionally available.

We never even think about it. I have worked with thousands of single people and no one ever had that on their list. The truth is that people often get involved with a married person, a person who is seeing another person, or someone who has just broken up and is afraid of getting back into a committed relationship.

Now you may ask, “How does writing a word such as available on a list, prevent us from meeting the wrong person, prevent someone from lying to us. Very easily!

Making a list when we are creating a relationship is to be used exactly as a builder uses an architect’s plans - on a daily basis – checking every detail to make sure if a mistake is made it is discovered before it is too late. This list is ‘a living document’, which you look at every day, add to and subtract from. Working with your list makes you aware and alert. You wind up asking not only the right questions, but becoming extremely observant of behavior and intuitive when it comes to responses. Eyes cast away, silence, and many other uncomfortable signs will signal a ‘red flag’. Then you just have to trust that inner-voice saying something is wrong. You know how many times you’ve ignored it in the past and paid the price. Your inner-voice, your Spirit is never wrong – it is when our need for love and companionship override it, in the hope that this time we are mistaken or can change the person that we wind up regretting our choices. Having a complete list of things you want, as opposed to all the things you don’t, equips to you with an accurate measuring device, which also allows to see if what is missing is from the top of your list or the bottom. Prioritizing is very important in all aspects of life. Even more so here.

Many people who are hurt and afraid of making another wrong decision will focus in on something that is not very important and blow it out of proportion – a defense mechanism – a way of self-sabotage. When you have your list and notice that what your upset about is #23 on your list, you can take a moment and notice your issues about relationships in general, and hopefully let go of this objection, and enjoy the person for the 22 other things they are providing for you.

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If you have any questions regarding relationships please feel free to contact me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.